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| Okay, some of you may not think this is that bad, but to me, EEEEKKKK!! AHHH!!! NAASTY!! So what is it that caused me to scream and be disgusted. I’m still so disgusted and traumatized and violated that i cannot even talk about it right now. And if i did, i might just degrade my page. I don’t even want to think about it. Gross. Maybe when I am able to, i’ll share….but at the moment....oh my! No, i can't write it now. | | |
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Locks of Love...chopped it off again! | | |
| In my life, God has blessed me immensely beyond belief with the people (my friends and family, my kids) he has put into my life. Because of these people, i have learned to love to some extent unconditionally. Of course i will never match the love that God has given to all of us but have somewhat of an understanding. Have you ever loved someone enough to desire to take away their pain and let them live? To carry away their burdens and allow them to be free? Is it possible to do so for all the people in my life? It’s so difficult for me to explain the love i have for the people in my life. It’s ineffable. Incomprehensible and unexplainable. It wears me out and tires me. It makes me sad and upset because i know i cannot emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally do what i desire. Along with that, it is good for pain and troubles to mold and shape a person. Although it is tiring to love with the love God has allowed me to, i am truly blessed beyond belief because of it. The people in my life have given me something to look forward to. They have blessed me and given me things to smile about. Even if it is the smallest things from notes, to smiles, to a short three word message, to hugs, to joking around, to friendly fighting, to arguing, to helping me financially, to praying for me, and much more, i have been truly blessed. However, as things have gotten busier these past few months, my excitement and fervor has dimmed. My energy and endurance has waned. Is it my age or perhaps too many responsibilities? I cannot imagine allowing more people into my life to that extent. It takes a lot out of me and i don’t know how much more i have. Perhaps I am using my own energy and not seeking out God’s strength. I have been delinquent in my times with him. I have been busy with the things of the world and sometimes not really. However, even if some of the things I do is for church and for God, what is the motivation behind it. Do i place those things before God? These too can be an idol because it is hindering my time with God. Satan can be so sneaky, but i will not let him prevail and will not allow him to keep me occupied in distractful things. I seek not to solve anything but to just speak my mind. I have felt disappointment in things and people lately and I am becoming more exhausted than i like to. It’s nothing anyone in my life has done. I have started to have higher expectations which often can lead to disappointment for me. One of my phrases: Expect less, be blessed more. No matter what happens, I will always love those i love. Sometimes i will say it, sometimes i won’t but i’ll show it sometimes in odd ways but it’s still love. I will say it now, “I Love You.” Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the gift of your love that has allowed me to love and feel love in return. May your love me evident in me as i seek to share your love with others. Come what may in my life but let me hold unswervingly to you and to always have you first in my life for truly you are the reason I can love and be loved in return and be blessed beyond all reason. Thank you, Father. In your son, Jesus Christ’s holy name, Amen. | | |
| While talking to my mom on our daily walks.... Mom: There's so many houses on sale in our neighborhood. There's only two that's under contract.
Me: yes, you said that yesterday.
Mom: But there's so many houses on sale. It's going to take a long time to sell our home.
Me: (humming)
Mom: There's not many people looking at houses now. The market is slow. Pray that God will help us.
Me: um hmm.
Mom: But i can't say God hasn't blessed us. He has blessed us a lot.
Me: Yes, mom. We've been really blessed by God. So much so it's almost unfathomable.
Mom: Yes, dad's business wasn't doing so well and all of a sudden we got a check in the mail from the government. Also now, dad's business is starting to pick up.
Me: Mom, you have to count your blessings. Yes, we've been really blessed. We're a lot better off than many many people in the world.
Mom: Still it is still necessary for me to complain once in awhile.
Me: I know, but concentrate on the blessings. If you keep focus on the blessings, you don't see the bad things so much or have time to think of things that aren't going so well.
Mom: yes. i know. Sometimes we see the dark things because we let it blind the light but i hope we all can be able to focus on the good and be able to see how much God really loves us. Why do people like to focus on the bad things that happen in the world? Is there no good that they see and realize?
Father, Thank you Lord for all your blessings and grace and o so much more. How can i even express this gratitude to you? You've given me so much that i can't even count them. From family who love me and give me more than i deserve. Their desire to help me and forgive me even though i'm meanest to them. My mom who gives me all she has to help me with my payments, my dad who once took my blame, a brother who always cares even though i'm never nice to him. And my extended family - they take me in late in the nights when i need a place to stay, they help me out when i don't know how to ask, they give me many things and desire my presence. You've give me a job without working extremely hard to find it. I'm able to work with kids and see them grow so much within a year. Though i don't think i'll be ever able to inspire or influence them to great ends, i know i have made memories and made small impacts. I'm able to do something i enjoy doing and get paid for it. You've given me friends thoughout my life who have stretched me and helped make me who i am today. And you have given me friends now who accept me as i am and enjoy my company. People who care about me and spend time with me. You've given me little siblings and children - more than i could even imagine or believe possible. Kids to love and tend to, to feel loved and needed, to spend time with, to be there when i can, to desire their presence as well as have them desire mine, to pray for them, to work along with them, to guide them, to help them, to cry with them, to laugh with them, to care for them and worry about them like a mother, sister, and friend. You've give me many provisions from clothes, to food, to car, to home and much more. You've given my family and i good health. You've provided a kidney for my mom for her transplant which couldn't have been more perfectly matched. You've given me a purpose in life and so so so so much more...but most importantly, Father, You have given me your love, an unconditional, forgiving, graceful, ever-present, over-sized, unmeasurable, limitless, empowering, deep, immense, unimaginable love. How do i even start thanking you for such blessings? For loving and blessing such a little person as I, God, to such extent. Thank you, Father. Thank you.
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| Love is a choice one makes. We decide who we love and who we don't love. It's not based on emotions. We choose who we love. And i choose to love you no matter who you are or what you become. It was only in hope that i wished you to see but view it as you desire. | | |
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